Deck the Fields with Flops and Follies

With respects to the late Jack Webb ... This is the city. Seattle, Washington. Where incredibly, the acne that is blistering Puget Sound area sports teams continue to fester with the force of Hurricane Ike.

Most readers here already smirk at the side-splitting follies of our local heroes, but an incredibly understanding editor and the increase in available space that comes with having so many bye weeks allows me this opportunity to sound off.

But where to begin?

The Mariners lost 101 games, and the clubhouse is in total shambles. The Seahawks are 1-3, and may well not win a road game this year, which spells sayonara to the playoffs. The Sonics are now the Oklahoma City Thunder. Heck, the Seattle T-Birds (at this writing) have yet to win their first game as the second week of the WHL season begins.

But this IS a Husky Sports site, so we might as well start there.

No doubt some eyebrows were amusingly raised at the first “TD Tailgater” of the year at the Waterfront Activities Center before the BYU game when I brazenly (and somewhat facetiously) declared to anyone within earshot that this version of Husky Football would go 0-12. Well, we’re almost halfway there. And I challenge you to find a game left on the schedule where the Huskies will be lining up with their opponents on equal terms.

That’s right. There is only one – that other sorry lot that plays on the east side of the mountains. What a match that’s going to be, eh? We are already taking entries for the first (and hopefully last) annual “rename this year’s Apple Cup” contest. The best entry might get two game tickets.

The worst entry might get four.

There is no doubt that every single part of the Husky team needs work. And there’s no need to be doing any mid-season grading – face it, if grades were handed out, this team wouldn’t have their Stafford loans renewed. But as far as these eyes are concerned, it all starts on the defense. This isn’t meant to blame, this is just reality. For all the complaints about Jake Locker’s inability to throw on the run (broken thumb not withstanding), the lack of any serious ground game and the total greenness of the receiving corps ... the fact is that Washington will likely have to score 40+ points in any game to stand a chance of winning it.

The futility of the defense is mind-boggling, really. They are giving up a shade below 500 yards per game (and still have USC and Cal to play). They’ve stopped the opposition 20 times on third-down – in 61 opportunities. That’s a 33-percent success rate. They have three sacks – specifically, Daniel Te’o-Nesheim has three – and all of them came last week. They’ve caused four turnovers, placing them 113th in the country. Rushing defense? 115th overall. Passing defense? 119th and last. Total team defense? Only better statistically than Idaho’s. But heck, even Idaho has a win, so perhaps they shouldn’t count.

In total, there are 17 categories the NCAA tracks for overall team statistics. There are 119 FBS teams. For all the carnage Washington State has shed on the field, the Cougars average placing in all 17 categories is 91.7. That’s pretty weak – especially with that 48-9 win over Portland State being factored in.

Idaho’s average is 96.6th per category. And that includes a win over Idaho State.

Washington’s average is 107.6. Now I don’t know about you, but I find that absolutely mind-boggling.

So my prediction of 0-12 still stands. Some obvious things are going to happen here soon enough, and they’ll receive no argument from me. But like the shotgun $700B financial bailout provided by our Government that so far has done little to stem the flow of panic bleeding on Wall Street, this still has the look of a long-term football downturn we are in, whoever eventually takes the helm.

Oh, almost forgot – the Washington women’s volleyball team somehow lost a pair of league matches at home over the weekend. That hasn’t happened since I last had hair.

So when exactly does basketball begin?

Come to think of it, I think I feel sick enough already. So there’s no good reason to be coughing up any more phlegm of Seattle sports misery.